Irritated…?
December 10, 2008 at 10:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentTags: blah, venting
Lately, I have been super irritated, I’m not really sure why. I know I am really stressed out because I am finishing up my first quarter at school, but that’s not what’s bothing me…hell….I don’t even know what’s bothering me. I feel like I could so use a drag of a smoke just to calm down, and have seriously entertained the idea a few times….although I haven’t actually bought a pack of smokes, I’m super tempted to.
Everything seems to be making me nuts though….
People say they are going to do things, but it turns out to just be talk…and then it’s somehow insane that I say ‘less talking more doing’. I’m all about meaning what you say and saying what you mean and I’m not going to hold back when someone is blowing smoke up my ass…or trying to anyway.
The friends that I do have are great, but then there’s the few, well, the one right now, that kinda sucks. I guess I’m mad at myself for that one since I just can’t seem to get up the nerve to say anything to her…instead I just keep things on a fake level, which is so wrong…maybe I should just say something.
My kids going through this preteen angst stage and seriously….its making me more nuts than anything. We’re close and that’s probably what the problem is….I can walk away and let him figure it out, but he cannot do it himself (which is also my fault). Ugh, what a mess I’ve made.
The holidays are here and I guess that’s a huge factor in my everlasting irritation…since I don’t have a job and no real money to spend as I usually would on gifts but I’m doing the best I can. I am grateful that the kid no longer believes in the big guy, which makes my job a lot easier….I don’t have to pretend that Santa got the memo about the newest high-tech gear since I can’t really afford it anyway…plus, he’s not really asking for stuff that’s so expensive I can’t handle it…but that’s only gifts for him….friends, relatives, etc…that’s where I kinda hit a road block…damn.
Enough venting, I have to seriously stop feeling sorry for myself and do something about it, if it’s even me feeling sorry for myself, cause at this point, I’m not really sure.
Friendship Update…
November 9, 2008 at 9:07 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a commentTags: babysitter, children, drama, family, friendship, lost
Gosh, I feel like I’m in high school all over again. I made a final attempt at being Jay’s friend. I guess I felt kinda guilty since I really separated myself from her entirely, so I sent her an e-mail saying hey how’s it going, pretty much what’s up, I haven’t heard from you in a while. This was Wednesday morning. She got back to me via text message Wednesday night, I was sleeping and didn’t receive the message until Thursday morning.
I was up at 6 a.m. which is when I received the message that said, maybe we could get together tomorrow, anytime after 10 was good for her. I was waiting until a decent hour to respond since, I don’t like to respond to people at a ludicrous hour. By 9 a.m. I got another message from Jay…it said…I guess that’s a no. Wow, talk about giving me a chance…I was kinda pissed off by this, but decided to take the high road and respond nicely saying sorry that I hadn’t gotten her message and have plans at 1:30 for my son, but we could do lunch or something. She never responded.
I had no problem leaving it that way and was facing the music of never speaking to her on a more than casual level again when I got a phone call that night from her. She apologized, but she got so busy that time just escaped her. I accepted her apology and we began to have an almost oddly normal conversation. I had to get off the phone, but we never talked about what actually happened to our friendship, so again, I was okay with just leaving things alone for a while, I was really just fed up at this point because she acted like nothing happened.
Friday morning, I was taking my son to the movies when I got a text message from Jay, she needed a baby sitter for her son. Her mother was out of the country and the mother-in-law, who usually watches him, was taking care of a family emergency. I felt this to be super odd since we only breifly spoke the day before on the phone, but figured, I’m a nice person, I’ll just go watch the kid.
The only conversation that happened after that was thank yous and here’s my numbers, etc. as if I were a babysitter. Now, I’m not a babysitter, I did that job to be nice, and if our friendship goes out on that note, I’m okay with it. I actually prefer it to just end because there is no point at continuing a friendship with someone who doesn’t say, hey how are you?
I would NEVER leave my son with someone I was having a rocky friendship with no matter how trustworthy I thought they may be. Hell, I won’t even let my own sister watch the kid because of her choice in extracirricular activities. This leads me to ponder, what type of friend she really is (does she want to be my friend? or gain information about our once mutual friends?). Again leaving me confused, but decided if that makes any sense at all.
Sometimes I feel like I’d be the only one left standing if things fell apart.
On another note, my motherboard on my computer is done for so I am patiently waiting for my new computer to arrive…hopefully it won’t be too much longer…
All comments on this subject and others are greatly appreciated as I find it helpful to hear from people who aren’t directly involved in my life as well as from those who are so Thank you all!
Congratulations Brian!
October 30, 2008 at 12:05 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentTags: karate, kids, pride
Flying Sidekick Break
This past August Brian turned 11. About two weeks ago, he tested for his Black Belt in Karate and passed! I am so proud of him. I have never watched something so amazing. In fact, the control and discipline he showed throughout the test was unbelievable. I cannot explain the near torture they put him through at his own request, but I can tell you how very proud I am of him. There is something absolutely amazing about watching your child accomplish something through the struggle. He has this amazing energy about him that is beyond any other boy his age.
- Ouch
So I needed to take a minute, to say Congratulations to Brian for this huge accomplishment!
Friendship…
October 27, 2008 at 9:10 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentTags: drama, friendship, girls..., uugghh
I am super frustrated at one person who calls herself my ‘friend’. This drama goes back a really long time and I have just gotten to the point where I am overwhelmed and have truly had enough of the crap.
A few years ago I got back in touch with some old friends from High School. Mind you, I am super cautious who I bring my son around because there are some things that children should not be exposed to. Two girls and I became really close, and in the beginning it was great. We’d do everything together. I introduced them to my son and he love them too! He actually asked their permission to call them ‘Aunt’ because we were all spending so much time together.
Both girls are married, their husbands are pretty decent guys…I had no issues with that. Both girls got pregnant about the same time and it because a roller coaster for me since both of them were emotional. I got through it. I thought it was great that they each had someone to go through their pregnancy with. Their kids were due to be born around the same time.
Little did I know that their pregnancies would turn into a full on competition for one of them. How big is her baby? I wonder what she is registering for…blah blah blah. I was able to block this out for the most part. One day the girls both just stopped talking…literally stopped talking…which put me in a really bad spot, the middle. A place I really did not want to be. I did not want to pick sides or have any part in their argument.
One of the girls, Jay, thought the other had sabatoged her baby registry by having all of the big things taken off. I knew this was raging pregnancy hormones and simply said that the other wouldn’t do that. Knowing that the other girl was too self-absorbed to do this since she was having a baby at the same time. What else could I have possibly said to that. Not to mention that I spent a few evenings in the emergency room because she was ignoring the fact that she had gestational diabetes instead of actually taking care of herself. The other girl and I drifted apart and I am mostly to blame for that. I mean it does take two, but I really just didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s drama….hell, I had enough of my own going on.
Jay asked me to be her son’s godmother, I couldn’t say no. I am his godmother. I am proud of that. I am not however proud of the fact that when Jay found out who actually sabatoged her baby registry she refused to say anything to the other girl. This makes me extremely angry and when I told her I thought she should apologize (whether she actually blamed to her face or not) she outright refused.
I would not be friends with Jay had it not been for the other girl which makes it even more difficult for me to walk away. I have enough going on in my own life to take time out for other peoples insecurities or personal issues with any of my other friends. I have plenty of friends who have friends I am not fond of, however, if it comes down to me losing a friend over me being stupid and hateful, I am not willing to do that, especially if that friendship means a lot.
I am confused though as to where my loyalties actually lie since Jay has made NO attempt to be my friend aside from an occasional text/e-mail with no other type of contact. My 30th birthday was this year, she was all about coming out, and then backed out at the last second. I invited her out a few times after that and she always had an excuse so I wonder if she ever really was as good of a friend as she claimed to be or if she was just trying to make my other friend jealous, like a fucking pissing contest….if that even makes sense.
I did more recently have plans with her for lunch and again, she had another excuse. Her son was sick…which was the same excuse as all previous excuses….I am extremely sympathetic to children being sick, but really sick that much? Then she posts pictures of her at the park or saying something like ‘we have to do lunch again’ to someone else….maybe I’m just being ridiculous…maybe I just need to walk away. This is high school drama that frankly, I am not in any need of.
I have since reconciled with the other girl, and apologized for my behavior since we are adults. I talk to her on almost a daily basis…and keep my contact with her as close as it was prior to Jay being in the picture. I don’t understand how things came to this since we are all supposed to be grown…It is also too hard for me to be friends with someone who would accuse someone of something and not apologize when she was wrong..
The fat and the miserable…
October 11, 2008 at 11:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 CommentsTags: friends, insanity, insecurities, people
One year ago today I quit smoking.
One year ago today I was somewhat happy with my body.
One year ago today my whole life changed.
Mind you, I quit smoking for good reasons, none were directly for myself. I actually miss it. Every day I look at myself in the mirror, I miss it more. Sounds ridiculous, I know. My son asked me to quit for his 9th birthday, it took me until after his 10th birthday to actually do it. I have had cravings, and in fact acted on a few of them, but never totally went back to my pack a day habit. I traded one bad habit for another and would love to take the first back, but becoming a closet smoker is really difficult and not really an option.
So now, I weigh more and feel gross about myself, and hopefully I can turn that all around, and soon with exercise and eating right…I have been getting up earlier to walk and am tempted to ask my son to teach me karate, so hopefully those changes can help.
On an additional miserable note, I have found that I can no longer accept things just for what they are. Although that may be a bad thing and drive some people crazy I can no longer try and justify something into something that it isn’t. If that makes sense at all…I have found that making excuses for people/things is not an acceptable behavior and shouldn’t be something anyone does. I have friends who just suck and friends who would be there whenever I needed them and its time to focus positive energy into positive people, not negative ones…
Uugh
October 1, 2008 at 2:03 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a commentI know I have way more time now that I have in the past and as much as I want to blog a few times a day, the idea of logging onto the computer instead of being the Suzy Homemaker Mom that I want to be actually irritates me a little bit. I am going to try harder because I think blogging is a great way to vent things out even if no one ever reads or comments them.
The idea of being unemployed was somewhat glamorized, however, I wouldn’t go back to my job even if they paid me the money I think I deserve. I find it amusing that they laid me off, but are paying people to work overtime (something that was never offered to me to make extra dough) but whatever, I guess I can just let those people work their asses off for zero respect and appreciation.
I like being the mommy at home baking cookies, and snacks for the kid when he gets here. I like being able to help him out with his homework (even when he’s not fighting with me) and having dinner somewhat prepared before 8 p.m. I also like the idea that my unemployment isn’t so much less than my regular pay and I don’t actually have to work, I won’t lie about that.
Oops, dad who?
September 20, 2008 at 1:54 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentTags: drama, family, parenting
Apparently today was my son’s father’s birthday and I had nerve not having my son call him and say happy birthday. Imagine that. The truth is, I forgot. It’s been well over a year since he’s seen Brian but it’s my fault and up until recently I actually used to think so but I got a wake up call. Brian came to me and asked me why he had a different last name than me. When I explained he wanted to know if he could have my last name and not his fathers last name. At that point I realized I’d spent too much time trying to make him be a dad and I wasn’t wasting another minute trying to make Brian his son.
But, again, being the better person, I apologized to him and had Brian call him (under protest) to wish him a “Happy Birthday”. The call was short, but nonetheless it happened and considering past drama between him and Brian he’s lucky to have gotten a call at all.
Here’s the part I don’t understand, I have raised Brian virtually alone for the last 11 years with zero help from his ‘father’ and suddenly for his birthday he thought he deserved some fatherly honor. Somehow I don’t think sucking as a parent qualifies a person for any type of award or reward.
I’m by far not a perfect parent, but I am there for Brian whenever he need me, not just when it’s convenient for me.
Opinions
September 10, 2008 at 6:46 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 CommentsTags: children, differences, family, problems
Like any other person, I am entitled to my opinion. I believe very strongly about certain issues, which will come out over time, but the one thing that I am extremely pig-headed about is my son. I admit to being overprotective because I know that I am. I do not need to justify my reasons for being overprotective to anyone, not even family, who should just understand.
My son just turned 11, since his birth my younger sister (who is an adult) has been ‘jealous’ of him. I was 19 when he was born, she was 17. I gave up a lot of things to be a mom, and that was my choice. I ask no one to pity me for the choices I made because I made those choices. I have always had issues with my sister which go back to before I was a mother. My parents made sure I looked after her and I always took the blame and covered her ass even when I knew it was wrong.
She lives the single life, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her. When I asked her to not be high around my child, she made a huge ordeal out of it as if it was not my business. Since he is now 11 and totally impressionable, I only asked her to respect my wishes. Apparently, all I did was start an argument by asking her to stay clean around him.
I don’t care what she does when she is not with my son, but if she wants to be a part of my childs life without someone ‘watching’ over her all the time, I just asked that she doesn’t get high. Her behavior at my request has made me wonder if it was too much to ask.
A blog for the unemployed…
September 10, 2008 at 10:36 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 CommentTags: education, family, life, unemployment
I am new to the unemployment line, as a matter of fact, I have never collected unemployment, ever. It’s strange though because at one point I actually could have, but never bothered. I have always been so used to working that the idea of becoming completely idle kind of scares me a bit.
I am a single mother and have no idea how I am going to make ends meet, but I will find a way to make it happen, I always do. For those who may ask about child support, my answer to that is that the child support that I was awarded by the state that I live in is a disgrace to hardworking single parents. A measly $80 a week is just a reimbursement for part of the monies that I spend to support my son which is never a real issue. I am aware of the idea that there are people who are far worse off than I and I also realize that there are people who have no idea what they talk about when it comes to situations like these.
I asked to be unemployed, and even though the economy sucks right now, I had to make a choice that would force me to struggle more in order to be successful and prove to my son that obstacles can be overcome regardless of anything that may stand in the way. When I say I asked I mean that I asked. I recently completed my Associate’s Degree in Business and the company I work for did not feel I deserved an increase in salary because of it. I asked to be laid off, to get a package as many people before me did, and just like that, my wish was granted.
I enrolled in an Online University in order to obtain a Bachelor’s Degree in Education. I am going to be a teacher. A thought that until recently had never crossed my mind, but I wonder if there could be a sweeter profession, I mean, aside from the job of my dreams?
My life has not turned out quite how I planned it to. I got pregnant at 18 and by 19 I was a mother, before my 20th birthday I was a single mom and had no other option but to go to work. After working jobs wherever I could make some cash, I found a job with benefits, holidays and even vacation time. I felt like I had hit the jackpot! I was actually going to work a real job for once. I put my son in daycare, which was difficult emotionally for both of us, but eventually worked out to be something that he really needed, and so did I.
I live my life with no regrets and I wouldn’t change a thing. My son changed my life. he gave me a reason to do all of the things I’ve done and to not do some of the things I could have done, which wouldn’t have been something in my best interest.
My son, amazing doesn’t do him justice. I don’t just say this because he is my son, seriously, he’s destined for greatness. I’ve told him so every chance I get since he’s about four years old. He will do something great, no matter what he chooses to do. He’s going to make a difference. He’s got this unbelieveable soul; a way of being real that no adult could ever imagine and he’s got so much courage, the things he’s had to go through I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, yet, he’s overcome it. He’s a fighter in all true meanings, a warrior.
I wish I was more like him as a child, hell, I wish I was more like him as an adult. I don’t want him to waste who he is for any reason.
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